…Cometh before the fall.

I am most inspired/dying to write a blog post when I’ve messed up, or when I’m really really grateful.  There is a common factor here:  God’s goodness. 

It’s so freakin’ ob-vi-ous…if I look.  It’s easy to see Christ if I go to Him, if I’m wanting, if I’m needing, if I’m thirsting.

“Seeing the crowds, He went up on

 the mountain, and when He sat

down, His disciples came to Him.”

-       Matthew 5:1

God has brought me back to this verse over and over again…that if I want to be a disciple for Christ, I have to move.  Being stagnant and comfortable is simply not an option.  It is a temptation with which I struggle and is a way that the Lord is forcing surrender in me.  I have to give up my intentions (even if they seem “good” to me) and relentlessly pursue God’s purposes. 

I’m controlling.  There.  I said it.  I like things to be done “right.”  AKA: my way.  Relentlessly pursuing God’s purposes is certainly not something that I avoid…but I tend to decide what I want and assume that God’s grace will be over my endeavors.  I act irrationally a lot; not giving God enough time to saturate my prayers, thoughts, and then actions.   

Not exactly the picture I get of Jesus…who is patient and loving.  He has revealed places in my heart that are more consumed with my sinful desire and less of His perfect Love…on a (literally) daily basis.  And some days are better than others, and it is all determined by the amount of time I spend talking to Jesus versus the amount of time I spend listening to Him. 

I’m learning a slow, long, hard lesson in pride.  I hate hate hate that I struggle with this.  I have never thought of myself as prideful…

(go ahead, laugh at the irony, I did!)

…but rather as a young woman with a compassionate spirit. 

Don’t get me wrong, I do know that I am certainly not compassionless, God definitely gave me a tender heart (or just weepy eyes), but the hastiness in which I involve myself in my own desires and need for production and personal performance is sinful. 

The pastor at the church that I attend while at school, J.D. Geear, has said,

“We cannot fully understand the greatness of God because we

do not fully understand the severity of our sins.” 

Boy is the Lord showing me the severity of my sins…so I’m tasting His eminent mercy. 

Once again, I find His grace to be abundant and immediate.  The craziest/most brilliant beyond brilliant (Parent Trap reference, anyone?!) part about receiving His mercy, is that I found it not only from Him, but from people who I never thought would give it. 

It is not often that I am humbled this way, because the majority of my friends follow Christ, and so when I apologize to them, I almost always receive forgiveness and grace.  And in my past experiences with people who do not know Christ, I have not found complete mercy.  So in the past two days, two people who I never thought would fully forgive me, did.  I don’t even think they needed my apology.  Of course, I needed to show them my remorse, utter regret, and love for them, but I could tell that they had already forgiven me; they had already let it go. 

How often to I expect an apology?  How often do I want people to tell me they are sorry and will honestly try to improve?  Almost every time I’m wronged.   I don’t want to be needy or impatient.  I want to be understanding of others and thirsty for God. 

“My heart is not proud…

But I have stilled and quieted my soul;

like a weaned child with its mother,

 like a weaned child is my soul within me. 

O Israel, put your hope in the Lord both

now and forevermore.”

-       Psalm 131:1-3

This is the heart I want to have.  A patient, humble, hopeful heart that earnestly looks to Christ—one that is grateful for grace when grace is received.  I want to always see His grace, and run to His ways instead of my own.  Run to the accountability He has given me before I act.  Run to His Word instead of my irrational thoughts.  Humble my heart before I even form a thought. 

Still and quiet my soul.    

Lord, humble my heart before I even form a thought.  

Mothers.

I don’t know if there is a more loving, self-sacrificing species.  Mothers are the most under-appreciated people on the planet.  God has given me some incredible examples of mothers…my parents’ mothers, for example. 

Meet Nana.  Nana is my mom’s mom.  The love she has for Papa Earl is the most precious thing in the world.  And she likes things the way she likes things.  A day she doesn’t vacuum and dust her entire house is a day she is lazy.  At 79 years old, she is taking no medication and when my little brother can’t mow her lawn on a day that she wants it to be mowed, she does it.  My nearly 80-year-old grandmother uses a push mower.  Needless to day, I want to be her. 

A few years ago her doctor told her she might need to take medication for her high cholesterol, unless she lost about 20 pounds.  Taking matters into her own hands, she started walking over a mile a day and stopped eating fried foods and more vegetables.  Within a few weeks, she looked like a different person.  She is probably one of the most self-motivated people I know. 

Meet Magran.  Magran is my dad’s mom.  My dad and aunt have seen Magran not eat so that they could.  Her primary concern always has been in the care of her family.  And Carolina basketball.  She’s hilarious, talks incessantly, tells the same stories over and over again, fusses at Papa all day long, and bends over backwards for us every day.  I am so blessed to have lived in the same house as this woman (other than this year, of course) since the seventh grade.

My grandmas, other than being the best cooks Iron Chef will never see, made two of the strongest, most sacrificial, hard-working people I will ever know—my parents.  They are the biggest, most lasting blessing I have.  I am so indebted to those two people; God has given me so much in them.  They were my first love. 

I’ll save the rant about my dad for another post…

Mommie.  We’ve always spelled that precious word that way.  My preschool teachers used to correct me when I would make things for my mom and would spell her name that way. 

They needed my help, they obviously didn’t

 know which mother I was giving it to…it

wasn’t just any ole mama, it was for mine.

I’ve always been a mama’s girl.  I swear, I think I came out of the womb wearing an “I heart my mom” shirt.  I’ve always been attached to her and needed her.  I think it’s because I’ve always wanted to be a mother, which has got to be a huge part of the reason why I’m an Elementary Ed major.  I cannot get enough of kids and that motherly kind of love. 

Motherly love should be it’s own noun.  It’s just different.  My mom always says that she’d die for my dad but she’d kill for her kids. 

She used to work in the state criminal justice system…be intimidated, my mom’s a BA. 

She is hands down the strongest person I know.  Growing up wasn’t a walk in the park for her or her parents, and her older brother had a lot to do with that.  She works her butt off with everything she does and she and my dad are the most sacrificial, wisest people I know. 

She has always been my biggest fan and my best friend.  I hope I love my kids half as well as she loves my siblings and me.  I have laughed and cried with that woman more than anyone else in my life.  Dance competitions, recitals, rehearsals, travels, appearances, errands, chores…she’s taught me to be appreciate every opportunity, every moment; to be Christ wherever He puts me.  She’s always been on my about being salt—I have Jesus.  Not everyone does.  I am responsible and held accountable for every moment. 

Other than teaching me to give myself some slack every once in a while, to BE PATIENT, to trust Christ with everything, to hand out grace like candy…she’s taught me, by example, how to love.  How to love your kids, how to love your parents, how to love your husband, how to love your friends, and how to love people that are REALLY hard to love. 

A wife of noble character who can find?  She is worth far more than rubies… She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks…

She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet…

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

-Psalm 31:10, 17, 20-21, 25-26

None better. 

Christ’s faithfulness to me is so undeniably evident in Mommie.  I truly have the best. 

Love on your mama…she needs it. 

Brokenness.

After a wonderful spring break at home, and a week largely spent with my parents and my brother—my heart is full. 

Christ broke my heart this week for so many reasons…

            - For my parents;

            - For my Nana and Magran;

            - For my sister;

            - For my church;

            - For my subconscious prideful notion that I know how to serve Him.

But He is not a God of brokenness, guilt, or fear.  He is a God of renewal, peace, and love.  He restored my heart through…

            - The generous hearts of some people I barely know;           

  - My brother’s growing faith and the beginning of his realization of the reason for relationships;

            - Ephesians 2:8-10:

“God saved you by His grace when you believed.  And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God.  Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it.  For we are God’s masterpiece.  He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago.”  

           

  - And the thirst for Christ that someone I love is finding…nothing is better than seeing that, fyi.  

We have to be broken to be made complete in Jesus.  The lessening of ourselves and the forgiveness of God are the only things that consistently work.  We were not made for sin and brokeness, we were made in the image of the Holy One.   There is more to our purpose than darkness. There is more to our purpose than guilt.  We were made for light and life abundant. 

Someone I love reminded me of the awesomeness of Tenth Avenue North…thought I’d share :)

He has given us so much in this life, all of which is undeserved and underappreciated.  We have so many reasons to praise Jesus.  We are a loved people.  

grace beyond reason.

Being humbled is one of the toughest things that God can put you through.  But, (and that’s a big but), it is the one of the best things that you could ever experience. 

As a disciple, I like to think that I’m fairly “good”, i.e. Jesus is constantly on my mind and therefore I usually try to be as much like Him as I can.  Fortunately, I am not capable of being Jesus all of the time—some days even most of the time.  If I want to be like Christ every minute, I have to need Christ every minute

…which just goes back to thirsting for Him. 

I have been overwhelmed by grace this past week.  I am blessed to know some of the most loving, serving, compassionate people on this earth.  They don’t try to cover up my flaws, but rather, let Christ reveal them to me (which He certainly does, thank goodness!), and then are there for encouragement during my time of repentance and forgiveness. 

“God Himself expressed His longing for Love…like a jilted lover who, against all reason, gives his faithless beloved one more chance.”

            -Philip Yancey

His mercy is so unlike us.  I would never take back a boyfriend who was faithless.  Heck no. 

But (here I go again with the “buts”), I guess that’s why God is God and I am Kayla.  Because somebody had to love somebody unconditionally…and it sure as Heaven would not have been me.

“What does God get in return?  He gets adopted children who are petty, petulant, spoiled, demanding, argumentative, mistrusting, angry, critical, and an irritant to everyone but God…Nevertheless, our God bought us with an infinite price and intends on seeing us crowned with His very glory.”

            -Dan B. Allender

It is hard to love people who get on my nerves, who are petty, spoiled, and just irritating…but how often am I those things to other people?  Does my desire and need to be loved dwindle because I have flaws?

All of a sudden loving those who are hard to love seems like more of an urgent responsibility, rather than a dreaded task that I’ll get to eventually.  

God knew that I was going to be obnoxious, demanding, and (extremely) mistrusting…but He chose to love me anyway. 

Grace beyond reason.  Grace abundant.  

loved by Love.

I am every bit of human as God made me.  The more I try to deny my humanity, the more it is evident of how human I really am.

God is not an angry God, but Jesus was mad when He walking into the Temple and saw the corruption going on.  God grew angry when everyone but Noah and his family were sinning and denying God completely…so He flooded the whole place.  Yeah, He can get a little upset, too. 

But still, I hate anger.  I hate the tone of voice that anger produces.  I hate the tension in the air after all words have been used up, but the anger is still there. 

God certainly gave me a gentle heart.

 

Sometimes though, pushing away my anger to make sure that my actions and thoughts are gentle is just as dangerous.  Anger doesn’t go away if you just ignore it.  I have to learn how to handle my anger in a way that is respectful, loving, and effective.

Even my anger toward God.

That’s right.  I was angry with God.  Ashamed?  Of course.  But I had to be honest with God. He is my best friend, and I can’t lie to Him. (He’s God, that’s just dumb.)

So I had a two hour-long conversation with God (the drive home from school…yep.  I was so frustrated and upset that I called my mom and told her I was coming home right then).  The first hour I told Him about my anger.  It isn’t fair.  I’ve worked for this.  I’ve been faithful, why can’t You be faithful to me?

I mean really, could I get any dumber?

Embarrassing as it is…I went off on God.  But I have a relationship with Him.  I want Him to know that I am invested in His will; that I care about my role in His Kingdom.  

So after all of my crying and ranting and crying and ranting…came conviction.  Strong, overwhelming conviction.  The Spirit came over me in a way that was so sudden.  It was not daunting, but rather knowing.  He knew my frustration and confusion.  He knew my anger and my reasoning for being upset with Him.  However, He also knew His plan and His purposes, and He knew that those purposes are greater and more perfect than my present troubles.  And He reminded me of that.

He also reminded me of my struggle to have a true servant’s heart—one that is completely selfless and humble.  And if my servitude to God is truly unselfish, then I should never be frustrated with the way in which He uses the fruits of my servitude.  If my Love and service to God is organic, then I believe His promise to be sovereign and compassionate, and therefore have no reason for doubt or frustration—certainly not anger. 

Come to find out, He is right and His ways are perfect and better than my own.  He answers prayers as HE sees fit…because well, He sees many things that I cannot (and should not). 

So on this day when Love is particularly celebrated and acknowledged, I feel loved beyond belief.  I have a God whose patience with me is incomprehensible, whose Grace is unmatchable, and whose unfailing, unconditional, perfect Love is greater than any other thing…and so I am unworthy, but thankful.  So thankful. 

‎"So we praise God for the glorious grace He has poured out on us who belong to His dear Son. He is so rich in kindness and grace that He purchased our freedom with His own blood and forgave our sins. Because of His LOVE, He has showered His kindness and understanding on us." 

-Ephesians 1:6-8

not much time for sadness.

I feel so funny, so weird.  So I’m going to write.  To sort, to reflect.  To get a grip. 

After a long conversation with someone I love last night, I’ve realized that I have lost my perspective.  Thank God that He interceded on my behalf…like He always does…by placing that particular person right there, at that moment, to speak Truth into my hard head.  This person was pleading for me not to be discouraged, or doubtful, or negative, because the Creator and Lover of the universe is bigger than lil ole me.  There is no justifiable reason for me to be sad…

And no, I’m not talking about sad, like a frown…I’m talking a deep, almost overwhelming sadness that I can’t shake.  I dream about sad things that relate to my sadness, I think up scenarios that would bring about more sadness, and I escalate real life to make it as sad as possible—to match it to my sadness. 

How sad.

Honestly though, how desperate I am for Christ?  As a believer and lover of Jesus, what do I have to be sad about?  I have been given breath, and life today…ALL of which are utterly undeserved.  But, Christ wants those things and more for me. He wants to give me hope and joy and peace…which are so far away from the sadness I feel.

 

So anyways.  This person, after patiently listening to my complaints, tears, and the lies that Satan was feeding me, they fed me God Himself—the fact that I don’t have a reason to be constantly miserable, other than the fact that I am distancing myself from God. THAT is sad.  Not life.  Because yes, earthly life is not and will never be satisfying.  I will never be fulfilled by the things, accomplishments, and certainly not the people of this earth.  However, because Christ lives in me and His Spirit is so present in my life, my life is not sad.  I have Christ in a place where He physically is not. I have joy. Not sadness.

And the most convicting thing this person said to me was…“All of these truths I’ve been telling you, you told them to me. Countless times before.”

Yikes.

So I do know the Truth. I know that there is no reason for my sadness, for me to feel sorry for myself.  I am choosing to give into my human nature, instead of running fiercely to the Holy of Holies.

Why in the world do I always do this?

Walking with Christ makes sense. It is hard, but our encouragement is found so easily.  Why make life so much harder than it needs to be? What does that do for the Kingdom? 

Nothing.

So here’s to my gratefulness to God. For rescuing me, the helpless, lost, desperate child that I am. 

Here’s to stop feeling sorry for myself, and to start feeling for God—seeking, desiring, needing—thirsting.