Have I Gotten Over It?

Hank Murphy, a worship pastor at my church, The Summit, opened a night of worship and fellowship for college students a month ago, professing that we are fallen and in need of a Savior, and that Jesus’ sacrificial work is our only hope for a redeeming relationship with the Father.  He then said, “I don’t know about you, but we’ve never really gotten over that.”  

Have I gotten over that?  Have I “moved on” from the sweetness that I deserve death and I am given life?  Have I "matured" enough to move past the fact that in response to this abundant justice and grace that I have received, that I should do everything I can to spread it? 

Praise Jesus that in His obedience to the Father assures us once and for all that the justice of God does not reign over me because it is satisfied in Jesus’ atoning death.  And He proved this by the Resurrection.  We do not live for now—we live in light of eternity. 

The pastor at my church, J.D. Greear, preached on 1 Peter 4:1-11 tonight, and in light of the commands in the passage, encouraged us to live as though we were looking back on our lives in 100 years.  What would you wish you had done to leverage your life, your relationships, your family, and your work, all for the fame of the work of Jesus on and after the Cross?  Would you wish you would have spent your extra money on something eternal?  Would you wish you would have explained the Gospel to that one person that you were too scared to talk to about Jesus?  Would you wish you would have done everything you could to make sure that your family knew the risen King?  Would you wish you would have loved Christ enough to love people enough to profess the Truth?

For what do we live?  For what do I live?  Do people wonder how though I suffer I bless the name of Christ?  Do people wonder why I won’t shut up about Jesus?  Are people attracted to the hope and peace that I have—that surpasses ALL understanding?  Do people see how humble my heart is at the sight of my unworthiness before the Lord, though He loves me?  Do people know that my faith in myself is stripped?  Are people repulsed at the fact that I do not indulge in worldly, fleshly things?  Do I constantly confess my sin to others—believers and unbelievers?  Do I constantly profess that JESUS is my hope and full abundant joy, and NEVER my circumstance?  Do I suffer for the name of Christ my Lord?

More importantly, do people see that I aim to do these things, that they would see my life and turn to and glorify the King of Kings, the great and glorious God, the One who lived the life I could not live and died the death that I deserved—Jesus?

“How then will they call on Him in whom they have not believed?  And how are they to believe in Him of whom they have not heard?  And how are they to hear without someone preaching?  And how are they to preach unless they are sent?”

- Romans 10:14-15

May our churches, may our families, may our friendships, may our courtships, may our marriages, may our hearts be obsessed with the fact that we deserve death and are given eternal life because of the Cross.

Our lives show what we believe to be true.  Our decisions about in what to invest our time, our money, and our relationships reveal what we believe to be important.  Do I believe that I am important?  Do I believe that my success, that my reputation, that my comfort, that my happiness is important?  Or do I believe that the only thing that matters in this life is that I reach as many people as possible, in God’s time and by His power, to profess the Truth and imminent love of the risen Lord?  

May we be obsessed with Jesus.  May we never get over the reality of the Gospel. 

Why I Am Thankful for Disagreement.

I believe the Bible is inerrant.  I believe that the Bible is inspired by God and to question it is to question God.  May I never be so arrogant to do either of those things.  I also believe that there is one perfect interpretation of the Bible, so since humans are vastly imperfect, no human possesses a perfect mind to fully understand the Word of God. 

However, God is not confusing.  We may be confused by Him and He may be mysterious to us…but when I don’t understand something it is not because God hasn’t figured it out, it is that I need Him to reveal the full Truth to me.

“I have manifested Your name to the people whom You gave me out of the world.  Yours they were, and You gave them to Me, and they have kept Your Word.  Now they know that everything that You have given Me is from You.  For I have given them the words that You gave Me, and they have received them and have come to know them in Truth, that I came from You, and they believed that You sent me.”

            - John 17:6-8

With that said, there are about a gazillion and one interpretations of the Bible.  It’s the most popular book in the history of the world after all; people have pretty strong opinions on it.  And I am one of those people.

I tend to be quite stubborn and strong-willed—I get that from both ends of my parental spectrum. :)  But I was also blessed with an intense desire for knowledge (about the Lord, not about an engineering course entitled Graphics Communication at NC State University…not to name names).  So I love to read theology, philosophy, blogs, articles, watch videos, and mull over (slash pick apart) sermon transcripts—although I feel like I'm just barely scratching the surface and have MUCH to learn.  I also love to talk (Jesus created me as a woman, PTL.  I would be no good as a man, I think).  This is both fortunate and unfortunate.  Mostly fortunate for me as I am better able to think through ideas verbally, and often unfortunately for people like Bradley (although his gracious nature would never admit that; I am richly blessed) to whom I love to ramble.  Yes, ramble.    

Praise Jesus that we aren’t able to fully understand His Word.  If we were, would we need Him?  If we fully understood how to “do” Christianity, say relationships—courtship, friendship, and familial relationships—perfectly, if there was a formula, our faith in the Lord would be useless. 

So I think in my relationships with people who share my beliefs about on what God the Father, Son, and Spirit are focused, I grow.  And I think in my relationships with people who think differently than me, I am challenged.  Certainly not that growth doesn’t happen in disagreements nor that challenge is absent from people who beliefs are parallel, or that growth and challenge are not often adjacent.  But God created community and I need it.  I need all parts of it. 

What I am about to type is something at which I am so incredibly awful. 

I think it is important to be frustrated less about those with whom you disagree (and those disagreements may be monumental and life-changing and really really BIG and annoying even), and it is more significant to be frustrated when I do not welcome disagreements as a chance to show another person the grace and love that has been lavished on me through Jesus (I apologize for the run-on to which I am adding now). 

The point:

            Concentrate less on the disagreement itself and more on the heart of the disagreeer.  Ask yourself what is the purpose of your discussion?  What eternally relevant thing are you trying to accomplish?  Why did you open your mouth?  All too often I open my mouth and quickly wish I had just kept it closed.  Not that I often say things that are untrue or ungodly or not pertinent to my beliefs about what the Word reveals, but I frequently make statements to impress someone (not at all eternally significant), to make myself feel good (self-glorifying), or to be right (which is laughable because I am so UNRIGHTeous).  None of these motivations are Christ-like.  They are Kayla-like.  And the older I get, the more I realize how UNKayla-like I want to be and how much more I should aim to grow godly love in me. 

“He was oppressed, and He was afflicted, yet He opened not His mouth; like a lamb that is led to the slaughter, and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent, so he opened not His mouth.”

            - Isaiah 53:7

I want to be that selfless; that sacrificial; that loving. 


Praise the Lord that this world is fallen.  It so contrasts with Him. 

Nice Words.

I love nice words.  Nice names.  I love to insult myself in a nice way. 

I often refer to myself as a people pleaser and a perfectionist. 

However, these words could not be further from the truth that spurs my awful, hideous actions.

The truth is… I am prideful and think I [have the potential to be] awesome: perfectionist.  I love for people to think I’m sugary sweet and super godly: people pleaser. 

I’ve always been this way, too.  I would go to preschool in a white dress and my mom would pick me up in a white dress.  I have vivid memories of screaming crying in my art class because I was somehow unable to draw an overall-wearing teddy bear like I could the day before in my Sunday School class.  My parents sought council to deal with a daughter obsessed with doing everything perfectly. 

Sin is innate.  I am in desperation for Christ.

I am scared of people seeing my numerous flaws…I want people to see me when I’ve got it (whatever it is) together—when Scripture is on my lips and I have the energy to be obnoxiously overly friendly to nearly everyone. 

I am no longer going to refer to myself in these false terms.  I am going to call out my innate ungodliness and renounce my sinful nature. 

Thankfully…[and I mean that in every sense of the word]…the Lord covers sin through His Gospel.  Thankfully I don’t have to have a cute outfit, coffee in hand, and a smile on my face to come into God’s presence.  Thankfully, Jesus made that possible—not me. 

My focus is not on feeling great about myself or is it on other people’s opinion of me, because the things of this earth are miniscule and unimportant. The Father is important.  His Gospel is important.  Why oh why do I focus on me when it is ALL about Him?

“He must become greater; I must become less.”

- John 3:30

Thankful for photobooth...& how Steve Jobs reflects God.

Loved this article by John Dyer on the Gospel Coalition on "Steve Jobs, the Allure of Technology, and the Image of God."  

Without God's creativity and Jobs' utilization of God's gifts, my life would lack the opportunity to technologically entertain myself for an hour...

Or to have fun with sweet Bella on a lazy Saturday afternoon...

And a late Friday night...

And make this face...

And this one...

...okay, no more embarrassing myself.

"...when humans engage in acts of creativity...

they cannot escape bringing honor to the creativity of God 

who molded them from dust."

God has a tendency (more like an intention) of taking dust--fallenness, unholiness, unworthiness, brokenness--and turning it into something that glorifies Himself by covering our wretchedness and replacing our selfishness with the Holy Spirit--in light of Christ's work.  

"So when we see creations of great skill, ingenuity, and beauty---

all of which describe the collective works of Jobs---

we are presented with an opportunity to praise the God of whose 

skill, ingenuity, and beauty they are but a dim reflection."

The work of ingenuity and creation is of God.

Read of the genius and insightfulness of God manifested in John Dyer here 
(I intentionally posted the link twice so you would read it!)

We're supposed to share Christ with Christians, too.

This article struck home for me...and probably will for some of you. 


"Sadly, at the moment the variances within the Church have a tendency to define her just as much as the areas of commonality."


http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/deeper-walk/blog/26828-criticizing-the-bride


1 John 4:11-12:

"Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one

 another.  No one has ever seen God; if we love one another,

 God abides in us and His love is perfected in us."

We will always disagree.  We are imperfection and broken and so fallen, so in need of the Father.  We will never be in perfect peace on this earth, but we know that God is the same. 


Christ is bigger than our disagreements or varying viewpoints.  He has won the battle; He is victorious.  Let's be united around Him. 

GOODness GRACEious

There are no degrees of sin. Let me repeat…there are no degrees of sin.

Easy to say, hard to live…when grace is thrown in.  

As followers of the victorious, righteous God, we are called to (and we should, out of awe of His perfection) give grace to other people, as Christ has given grace to us. That is, He lavishes it on us.

“And from His fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.” (John 1:16)

It is not when He feels like it.

It is not because He had a great quiet time that morning and is “feeling” the Spirit.

It is not when it is easy for Him to give grace to us.

And it is not out of reluctance or duty.

It is out of love.

"Since He could bear your sins more easily than He could

 bear the thought of your hopelessness, He chose to leave." 

-Max Lucado, Out of the Carpentry Shop

He already forgave us.

…About stuff we did yesterday of which we did not repent, of my thoughts five minutes ago that we not God-glorifying, and of stuff I’ll do tomorrow.

And, by the way, He knows what I’m going to do tomorrow, and His grace is already laid out in which for me to dwell.

People are annoying, and mean, and spiteful, and rude, and hypocritical, and selfish, and ungrateful, and blind, and controlling, and ALWAYS look out for number one.

…and when I say people, I mean everybody.

But Christ, who is perfection and holiness, and deserves nothing but eternal praise, honor, adoration, and deep love, gives us grace before we displease Him.

*Gospel-centered living, enter here*

Because we have knowledge, and even better, acquisition of the Gospel, we live out of Christ and what He has done and continues to do FOR us (on and after the Cross), we let Him work IN us.

“Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me.” (John 15:4)

Thus, we give grace that comes from HIM and not our selfish, stubborn, ungrateful selves.  It is GOD that produces goodness in us, not us producing goodness in us…all because of the Gospel.   

People are always going to get on your nerves.  They are always going to hurt your feelings and frustrate you.  We cannot love people and not offer them grace from the Father. If Christ is love, and Christ’s work is all about undeserved grace

…and it is

…then loving people is giving them the grace that they don’t deserve, just like you receive grace from Christ though you don’t deserve it.

My pastor at The Summit Church, JD Greear, said a few weeks ago:

“The way you desire righteousness is by dwelling on the God who gave you grace when you did not desire righteousness.”

And it is not easy. And I am preaching this to myself everyday, trust me. But love and life abundant are found only in the Father—let’s live in that. 

Start spreadin’ the news…

New York was challenging, uncomfortable, stretching, wonderful, and refining.  My heart is broken for the people of this city.  While we read our pastor’s book about how to most effectively relate to and share the Gospel with the Islam community, we encountered multiple religions. 

And speaking of sharing the Gospel, aka evangelism (because the word “evangel” means “Good News” = the Gospel), I was, prior to this trip, very much against it.  I thought the only way that I could and should share Christ was through long, deep friendships, hoping that my friends would eventually see something different in me and thus realize their sin, need for Jesus, and would accept Him as their Savior and Lord of their life.  I had never experienced or participated in any sort of evangelical practice, and I had closed my mind to the idea that God could use it for His purposes. 

But God does not let His children, if they thirst for Him, go thirsty.  I desired Him and He revealed a little more of His power to me.  Once again, the Father replaced my doubts by allowing me to fall deeper in love with Him.  I so often try to limit Christ to my mind, my experiences, my comfort.  Oh but He is SO much more than that.  Dave Turner, the Summit College Pastor, who led our trip, frequently stated that God became bigger to Him that week, and I would have to agree. 

Our group of 23 college students were split into triads (quarto trio!!!) to go out into various regions of the city to talk to people, ask questions, and to find hearts that were receptive to Christ.  I was scared and just felt awkward (there was LOTS of awkward conversations on this trip, most of which was hilarious). 

The first day we went out, Miles, Marissa and I were prayer walking when I saw two men (probably in their mid-forties/early fifties) coming toward us on the sidewalk.  I asked them where we could find some chai tea (to hopefully engage in a conversation with someone at a restaurant/store) and they told us they were going to a place now and for us to join them.  Long story short, the three of us spent about two hours with three Muslim men (one was very devout) who bought us chai tea and a Middle Eastern lunch.  We talked about their children, their jobs, their mosque, and all about Islam and Christianity.  We were able to share the Gospel with them over the course of the conversation and they politely declined.  I know that Christ was overjoyed.  Not in our words, but in the hearts of the three men.  Those men are experiencing the Holy Spirit.  They are incredibly humble, respectful—so much so that before we began to eat I asked if they wanted to pray over the food and asked if I could thank God for it, and they let me pray (they pray “five” (I say it in quotations because they told us themselves that they do not strictly follow this pillar of Islam) times a day so they do not pray over a meal). 

I was so overwhelmed and grateful that Christ allowed me that opportunity to share the intimacy with Him that I have with those men.  God’s faithfulness to me and to them is eternal.  

Another long story short/an event worth mentioning (this is the exact spot where Brad taught me how to shag!)

...Tuesday night a group of 6 of us: Brian, Jen, Brad, myself, Nick, and Rebecca...

...were invited by a group of Christian adults who were members of Times Square Church (which we visited) to attend a celebration of the Jewish holiday called "Shavuot", or the giving of the Torah.  The celebration, which was held at the Manhattan Jewish Community Center (crazy enough that we got to go...I had my Bible in my purse, ha!) lasted until 4am and had instructors leading sessions about various topics/arguments in the Jewish community all throughout the night.  The six of us had comforting Christian fellowship by just having each other, as well as our new Christian friends, in the room as we mingled with other people there.  God opened the door for me to have an insightful conversation with a Jewish woman, with whom I was able to share the Gospel.  

After our session ended we left at around 12:30am and headed back to the subway to make our way back into Queens where we were staying.  Needless to say, we got lost.  For 2 hours.  In the subways of New York.  The boys were trying to be manly and assigned themselves to each of us to "watch."  Brian was pretty much leading us that night through the subways, but it wasn't until Nick and I quickly prayed that God would just lead us home (we had to be up at 7am the next day, mind you) that we got on the right subway.  

Even though we got 4 hours of sleep that night, the trip was wonderful.  God has never shattered my doubts so quickly and I have never before felt so close to a group of people so quickly.  They all are crazy about Jesus and furthering the Gospel and His Kingdom.  I learn something from them everyday.  

Now for the random New York pictures...

One of the last nights of the trip our CP group split up into our two teams (Dager's Dangerous Dozen and The Eleven).  3-D had a wonderful dinner and then ran around the streets of New York playing ninja, eyes/toes, and tag-no-tag-backs to and from Wendy's where we shagged:

The last day Shelley and I shared the biggest sandwich I have ever laid eyes on...

Seriously. I couldn't handle it.

What's one of the first things a dancer's gotta do when she walks onto the streets of New York? Dance of course! Beautiful Christa and I doing barre on 8th Avenue. No big deal.

Last night in that beautiful place...heart to heart with sweet Jen :)

Because I promised a picture of *dazzling* purple house...ta-da!!

And these are the crazy, absolutely WONDERFUL, godly, fun, drop-dead gorgeous girls that with whom I abide :)...on the Brooklyn Bridge

   Jen Tay (my awesome roomie!), Jen (there's 3 on this trip), Christa, Laura, Christa, and myself. 

Let the chaos ensue...

City Project has officially begun!  My parents and I drove up to Durham on yesterday and got to the house—which is pink and purple (pictures WILL be coming, you have to see this)—at about 1-1:30pm.  We met the owner, Joanna Lynn, and she immediately put us to work (my kinda girl).  My dad, Joanna, and I worked on nailing the hard wood panels into the floor while my mom cleaned off a gazillion bookshelves.  There’s a decent amount of work on the floors that still needs to be done in our house, but it should be completely finished by the time we return from Queens, NY!  It should be noted, however, that all the girls had a place to sleep last night, so no worries there!

Speaking of the girls…there’s 6 of us.  Jen Tay arrived shortly after I did, so we got to pick the best room :) aka we don’t have to share a bed because we both move around in our sleep, which could and would likely be dangerous.  So she’s my roommate, and just graduated from UNC-Chapel Hill with a double major in Poli Sci and International Relations.  Then there’s Christa, who is a rising junior at Meredith and an Exercise and Sports Science major, who is rooming with Laura, who is a rising senior at NC State!  Christine just graduated from UNC as well and she is rooming with Jen, who is a rising Junior at State (woohoo!).  I already love all of these girls and am so excited to be living with girls who are older and wiser than myself.  Being the oldest of 3 kids, I’m usually the one who always knows what’s going on and answers questions.  But Lord knows I struggle with relinquishing control and completely trusting Him, so already He is at work! 

Joanna Lynn is awesome.  She is crazy enough to let 6 college girls live in her house!  There are 4 bedrooms and 4 baths, leaving 3 of each for us 6.  Other than the house being a work in progress, it is adorable.  Yes, from seeing the exterior, it looks like Crayola made a house built the house, but it is beautiful on the inside.  Joanna works with refugees through Church World Services and is well-traveled.  So there are all these knick-knacks from Asian and African countries scattered throughout her home; it is gorgeous (again, pictures will be coming!). 

After a day of moving our stuff, some of the guys’ stuff, and a trip to a sweet thrift store, we met all the City Project students and most of the staff at a nearby Ben and Jerry’s.  We were told virtually nothing about what we were going to be doing the next day, just to meet at Duke Gardens at 8:30am and wear comfy clothes.  We talked for 2 hours and then the 6 of us girls and some of the guys went to Kroger’s to grocery shop for the week!  We were given $50 and spent $49.35.  Success.  We all eat fairly healthy and Christine and I eat practically the same so that’s nice to have someone in the house that also doesn’t eat red meat or fried foods! 

We were up around 7:15 this morning and when we got to the gardens we prayed together and then everyone went out in the gardens to spend 2 hours in solitude with Christ.  We were given a passage in John 15 over which to pray…

It was difficult for me to quiet my thoughts enough at first to allow Him to refine my heart, as my mind was on other people that I wanted to pray for…my gratitude for other people's generosity to allow me to get here, my family, my sweet boyfriend, my girls, other City Project students.  But when I stopped to open my mind and spirit to let God in again, my prayers for other things were filled with so much more peace. 

I also bonded with/enjoyed watching/was occasionally afraid of lots of ducks and funny-looking birds by a pond…

After our time at Duke Gardens we were split up into teams (I’m Team 1, aka Dager’s Dangerous Dozen, because Jeremy Dager is our team leader, what what!).  The girls from D-cubed will be one discipleship group and the guys will have their own, and the same for Team 2, aka The Eleven.  Both teams were then given instructions and Dager’s Dangerous Dozen proceeded to dominate the “Durham Free Mason Race” where we saved the world from mass destruction in less than 4 hours.  Really we did a scavenger hunt in 98 degree weather with barely any breeze, carrying bags and bookbags, and pushing one of our teammates (a guy, no less) in a wheelchair the whole time (because a girl on the other team tore her ACL and had to be in one, so KJ decided to make it fair). 

We won the scavenger hunt; no surprise there.  I am quite experienced when it comes to scavenger hunts.  But we weren’t allowed to run at all, which was very difficult/frustrating and we couldn’t split up.  The hunt started at Duke Gardens and took us to the Durham Bulls stadiums, and ALL around downtown Durham.  It was great bonding/team building time…it quickly revealed personalities and was just very very hot. 

After our lunch at 2:45 (it was free, no complaints), we were dropped off at the house to shower and get ready.  Then we all went to Wendy Clark’s home, where 4 City Project girls are staying: Lauren, Sarah, Jenny, and Rebecca (Jenny and Rebecca are proud members of D-cubed).   All the City Project students, staff, and host families were there for a cookout and a relaxing time.  I love times like these where after a long day we remember our precious time with the Lord this morning, and how and why He has all brought us together. 

A bunch of the students then went to the guy’s apartments and played Catch Phrase and Family til about 10:30.  Bed is at 12:30.  Wish it was earlier.  I'm sure it will be tomorrow.  

Not Wasting My Summer.

     I have been very hesitant to write about how I will be spending my time this summer…mainly because it is something that many people will read about and say, “What a great person, good for her, she stayed a Christian in college. Kayla was always sweet, I think I’ll write her a check.”  I hate that whole process.  Telling people about my future “good” deeds, asking them for their hard-earned money (borderline guilt-tripping because I’m so “good”), and them writing a check because they were convinced. 

     That is not the way in which the church should support its fellow members.  Unless we know each other personally, and you have personally seen Christ in me and personally feel like supporting me prayerfully and financially will be a service to the Lord, I do not want your money.  Your money could go somewhere else, what I want you to hear (read) is one part of the story of God’s great faithfulness to me. 

     All my life, being a Christian was easy.  My parents were/are incredible examples of what seeking Christ looks like, nearly all of my close friends (aka “sleepover friends”), were all Christians that came from Christian families (and my church), and most of the girls and dance moms from my dance studio where I spent most of my time were Christians.  I was surrounded by accountability and love.  Loving Jesus and living for Him was easy to do, or to at least appear as if I was doing it. 

     The summer before my junior year of high school was when I began to take my faith in Christ much more seriously.  From those few months of my intense realization of my desperation for Christ, I have grown and learned and been drawn closer to God. 

     Now I am 3 exams and 10 days away from completing my first year at NC State.  I have been blown away by God’s faithfulness to me in this place.  Never before have I been more challenged in my beliefs and actions, but I have also never had the intimacy with Christ that we’ve developed as a result of the steadfast encouragement and Love that I’ve received because of Him this year. 

     This summer will be a time like no other.  I do not need to earn money and I do not need to be home.  I am getting older but I’m still young.  God has given me a heart for service and it is the way in which I feel like Christ is most served in me.  So this summer I am participating in The City Project, supported by my church at school, Summit Church. 

     There are about 30 college students who are participating, mostly all from North Carolina.  On May 31^st I will move into a house in inner city Durham, NC with a bunch of other girls, most (if not all) of whom are older than me.  We will stay there for 3 days and then travel to Queens, NY for 10 days to spread the Gospel to a Muslim community.  To help us with this daunting task…

How in the world am I gonna share Christ with people whose beliefs have been so fervently engrained into their minds?

     …our pastor, J.D. Geear, has published a book entitled, Breaking the Islam Code, that we will read prior to going to Queens.  Pastor J.D. spent 2 years living in a Muslim country and has heavily studied Islam.  He shares how to best reach these people in a compassionate, non-judgmental way, largely by drawing on parallels between our two faiths.  

     Upon returning to Durham, I will be taking a seminary class, Christian Philosophy, from a professor at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary during the mornings.  During the day I will be doing an internship with a ministry at the Summit (I haven’t found out yet which ministry I will serve).  And during the late afternoon/night I will be involved in serving the inner city community in which we will be living (details to come later).   

     After 5 ½ weeks of living in Durham, half of the group will travel to Malaysia and the other half (my group!) will fly to KENYA!!!!  Details about Kenya are becoming clearer as the beginning of the summer approaches, but what we have been told is that we will be serving alongside missionaries there to help build school(s), participate in feeding programs, visit orphanages and HIV/AIDS clinics, and build relationships with people who are stronger than I.  

     If you would like to support my service to Muslims in Queens, the people of inner city Durham, the people of my church that I will serve through my internship, the people of Kenya, and Christ’s work in me, then first, pray.  Pray that the people whom we will try to reach will have open hearts and that God will give us the strength we, as a City Project team, will need to effectively and humbly share the salvation and goodness that only comes from Christ. 

     The total cost for me to participate in this project is $4,500.  I currently have raised $3,030.  God will be faithful as He always has been faithful, and I have been given far more than I could ever need, but if you feel that giving to my participation in The City Project will be of service to the Lord, then please join me in my excitement of God’s work this summer!

     If you would like to write a check, The Summit Church's address is:

          2335-114 Presidential Drive

          Durham, NC 27703

     I am scared and anxious, but mostly excited for this summer.  I have never done something like this, by myself, not knowing anyone…but my trust in God is growing and my trust in myself is diminishing.  He is building His character, slowly but surely, in me and equipping me for the work He has planned for me.   

…Cometh before the fall.

I am most inspired/dying to write a blog post when I’ve messed up, or when I’m really really grateful.  There is a common factor here:  God’s goodness. 

It’s so freakin’ ob-vi-ous…if I look.  It’s easy to see Christ if I go to Him, if I’m wanting, if I’m needing, if I’m thirsting.

“Seeing the crowds, He went up on

 the mountain, and when He sat

down, His disciples came to Him.”

-       Matthew 5:1

God has brought me back to this verse over and over again…that if I want to be a disciple for Christ, I have to move.  Being stagnant and comfortable is simply not an option.  It is a temptation with which I struggle and is a way that the Lord is forcing surrender in me.  I have to give up my intentions (even if they seem “good” to me) and relentlessly pursue God’s purposes. 

I’m controlling.  There.  I said it.  I like things to be done “right.”  AKA: my way.  Relentlessly pursuing God’s purposes is certainly not something that I avoid…but I tend to decide what I want and assume that God’s grace will be over my endeavors.  I act irrationally a lot; not giving God enough time to saturate my prayers, thoughts, and then actions.   

Not exactly the picture I get of Jesus…who is patient and loving.  He has revealed places in my heart that are more consumed with my sinful desire and less of His perfect Love…on a (literally) daily basis.  And some days are better than others, and it is all determined by the amount of time I spend talking to Jesus versus the amount of time I spend listening to Him. 

I’m learning a slow, long, hard lesson in pride.  I hate hate hate that I struggle with this.  I have never thought of myself as prideful…

(go ahead, laugh at the irony, I did!)

…but rather as a young woman with a compassionate spirit. 

Don’t get me wrong, I do know that I am certainly not compassionless, God definitely gave me a tender heart (or just weepy eyes), but the hastiness in which I involve myself in my own desires and need for production and personal performance is sinful. 

The pastor at the church that I attend while at school, J.D. Geear, has said,

“We cannot fully understand the greatness of God because we

do not fully understand the severity of our sins.” 

Boy is the Lord showing me the severity of my sins…so I’m tasting His eminent mercy. 

Once again, I find His grace to be abundant and immediate.  The craziest/most brilliant beyond brilliant (Parent Trap reference, anyone?!) part about receiving His mercy, is that I found it not only from Him, but from people who I never thought would give it. 

It is not often that I am humbled this way, because the majority of my friends follow Christ, and so when I apologize to them, I almost always receive forgiveness and grace.  And in my past experiences with people who do not know Christ, I have not found complete mercy.  So in the past two days, two people who I never thought would fully forgive me, did.  I don’t even think they needed my apology.  Of course, I needed to show them my remorse, utter regret, and love for them, but I could tell that they had already forgiven me; they had already let it go. 

How often to I expect an apology?  How often do I want people to tell me they are sorry and will honestly try to improve?  Almost every time I’m wronged.   I don’t want to be needy or impatient.  I want to be understanding of others and thirsty for God. 

“My heart is not proud…

But I have stilled and quieted my soul;

like a weaned child with its mother,

 like a weaned child is my soul within me. 

O Israel, put your hope in the Lord both

now and forevermore.”

-       Psalm 131:1-3

This is the heart I want to have.  A patient, humble, hopeful heart that earnestly looks to Christ—one that is grateful for grace when grace is received.  I want to always see His grace, and run to His ways instead of my own.  Run to the accountability He has given me before I act.  Run to His Word instead of my irrational thoughts.  Humble my heart before I even form a thought. 

Still and quiet my soul.    

Lord, humble my heart before I even form a thought.