I am most inspired/dying to write a blog post when I’ve messed up, or when I’m really really grateful. There is a common factor here: God’s goodness.
It’s so freakin’ ob-vi-ous…if I look. It’s easy to see Christ if I go to Him, if I’m wanting, if I’m needing, if I’m thirsting.
“Seeing the crowds, He went up on
the mountain, and when He sat
down, His disciples came to Him.”
- Matthew 5:1
God has brought me back to this verse over and over again…that if I want to be a disciple for Christ, I have to move. Being stagnant and comfortable is simply not an option. It is a temptation with which I struggle and is a way that the Lord is forcing surrender in me. I have to give up my intentions (even if they seem “good” to me) and relentlessly pursue God’s purposes.
I’m controlling. There. I said it. I like things to be done “right.” AKA: my way. Relentlessly pursuing God’s purposes is certainly not something that I avoid…but I tend to decide what I want and assume that God’s grace will be over my endeavors. I act irrationally a lot; not giving God enough time to saturate my prayers, thoughts, and then actions.
Not exactly the picture I get of Jesus…who is patient and loving. He has revealed places in my heart that are more consumed with my sinful desire and less of His perfect Love…on a (literally) daily basis. And some days are better than others, and it is all determined by the amount of time I spend talking to Jesus versus the amount of time I spend listening to Him.
I’m learning a slow, long, hard lesson in pride. I hate hate hate that I struggle with this. I have never thought of myself as prideful…
(go ahead, laugh at the irony, I did!)
…but rather as a young woman with a compassionate spirit.
Don’t get me wrong, I do know that I am certainly not compassionless, God definitely gave me a tender heart (or just weepy eyes), but the hastiness in which I involve myself in my own desires and need for production and personal performance is sinful.
The pastor at the church that I attend while at school, J.D. Geear, has said,
“We cannot fully understand the greatness of God because we
do not fully understand the severity of our sins.”
Boy is the Lord showing me the severity of my sins…so I’m tasting His eminent mercy.
Once again, I find His grace to be abundant and immediate. The craziest/most brilliant beyond brilliant (Parent Trap reference, anyone?!) part about receiving His mercy, is that I found it not only from Him, but from people who I never thought would give it.
It is not often that I am humbled this way, because the majority of my friends follow Christ, and so when I apologize to them, I almost always receive forgiveness and grace. And in my past experiences with people who do not know Christ, I have not found complete mercy. So in the past two days, two people who I never thought would fully forgive me, did. I don’t even think they needed my apology. Of course, I needed to show them my remorse, utter regret, and love for them, but I could tell that they had already forgiven me; they had already let it go.
How often to I expect an apology? How often do I want people to tell me they are sorry and will honestly try to improve? Almost every time I’m wronged. I don’t want to be needy or impatient. I want to be understanding of others and thirsty for God.
“My heart is not proud…
But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.
O Israel, put your hope in the Lord both
now and forevermore.”
- Psalm 131:1-3
This is the heart I want to have. A patient, humble, hopeful heart that earnestly looks to Christ—one that is grateful for grace when grace is received. I want to always see His grace, and run to His ways instead of my own. Run to the accountability He has given me before I act. Run to His Word instead of my irrational thoughts. Humble my heart before I even form a thought.
Still and quiet my soul.
Lord, humble my heart before I even form a thought.
