grace beyond reason.

Being humbled is one of the toughest things that God can put you through.  But, (and that’s a big but), it is the one of the best things that you could ever experience. 

As a disciple, I like to think that I’m fairly “good”, i.e. Jesus is constantly on my mind and therefore I usually try to be as much like Him as I can.  Fortunately, I am not capable of being Jesus all of the time—some days even most of the time.  If I want to be like Christ every minute, I have to need Christ every minute

…which just goes back to thirsting for Him. 

I have been overwhelmed by grace this past week.  I am blessed to know some of the most loving, serving, compassionate people on this earth.  They don’t try to cover up my flaws, but rather, let Christ reveal them to me (which He certainly does, thank goodness!), and then are there for encouragement during my time of repentance and forgiveness. 

“God Himself expressed His longing for Love…like a jilted lover who, against all reason, gives his faithless beloved one more chance.”

            -Philip Yancey

His mercy is so unlike us.  I would never take back a boyfriend who was faithless.  Heck no. 

But (here I go again with the “buts”), I guess that’s why God is God and I am Kayla.  Because somebody had to love somebody unconditionally…and it sure as Heaven would not have been me.

“What does God get in return?  He gets adopted children who are petty, petulant, spoiled, demanding, argumentative, mistrusting, angry, critical, and an irritant to everyone but God…Nevertheless, our God bought us with an infinite price and intends on seeing us crowned with His very glory.”

            -Dan B. Allender

It is hard to love people who get on my nerves, who are petty, spoiled, and just irritating…but how often am I those things to other people?  Does my desire and need to be loved dwindle because I have flaws?

All of a sudden loving those who are hard to love seems like more of an urgent responsibility, rather than a dreaded task that I’ll get to eventually.  

God knew that I was going to be obnoxious, demanding, and (extremely) mistrusting…but He chose to love me anyway. 

Grace beyond reason.  Grace abundant.  

loved by Love.

I am every bit of human as God made me.  The more I try to deny my humanity, the more it is evident of how human I really am.

God is not an angry God, but Jesus was mad when He walking into the Temple and saw the corruption going on.  God grew angry when everyone but Noah and his family were sinning and denying God completely…so He flooded the whole place.  Yeah, He can get a little upset, too. 

But still, I hate anger.  I hate the tone of voice that anger produces.  I hate the tension in the air after all words have been used up, but the anger is still there. 

God certainly gave me a gentle heart.

 

Sometimes though, pushing away my anger to make sure that my actions and thoughts are gentle is just as dangerous.  Anger doesn’t go away if you just ignore it.  I have to learn how to handle my anger in a way that is respectful, loving, and effective.

Even my anger toward God.

That’s right.  I was angry with God.  Ashamed?  Of course.  But I had to be honest with God. He is my best friend, and I can’t lie to Him. (He’s God, that’s just dumb.)

So I had a two hour-long conversation with God (the drive home from school…yep.  I was so frustrated and upset that I called my mom and told her I was coming home right then).  The first hour I told Him about my anger.  It isn’t fair.  I’ve worked for this.  I’ve been faithful, why can’t You be faithful to me?

I mean really, could I get any dumber?

Embarrassing as it is…I went off on God.  But I have a relationship with Him.  I want Him to know that I am invested in His will; that I care about my role in His Kingdom.  

So after all of my crying and ranting and crying and ranting…came conviction.  Strong, overwhelming conviction.  The Spirit came over me in a way that was so sudden.  It was not daunting, but rather knowing.  He knew my frustration and confusion.  He knew my anger and my reasoning for being upset with Him.  However, He also knew His plan and His purposes, and He knew that those purposes are greater and more perfect than my present troubles.  And He reminded me of that.

He also reminded me of my struggle to have a true servant’s heart—one that is completely selfless and humble.  And if my servitude to God is truly unselfish, then I should never be frustrated with the way in which He uses the fruits of my servitude.  If my Love and service to God is organic, then I believe His promise to be sovereign and compassionate, and therefore have no reason for doubt or frustration—certainly not anger. 

Come to find out, He is right and His ways are perfect and better than my own.  He answers prayers as HE sees fit…because well, He sees many things that I cannot (and should not). 

So on this day when Love is particularly celebrated and acknowledged, I feel loved beyond belief.  I have a God whose patience with me is incomprehensible, whose Grace is unmatchable, and whose unfailing, unconditional, perfect Love is greater than any other thing…and so I am unworthy, but thankful.  So thankful. 

‎"So we praise God for the glorious grace He has poured out on us who belong to His dear Son. He is so rich in kindness and grace that He purchased our freedom with His own blood and forgave our sins. Because of His LOVE, He has showered His kindness and understanding on us." 

-Ephesians 1:6-8

not much time for sadness.

I feel so funny, so weird.  So I’m going to write.  To sort, to reflect.  To get a grip. 

After a long conversation with someone I love last night, I’ve realized that I have lost my perspective.  Thank God that He interceded on my behalf…like He always does…by placing that particular person right there, at that moment, to speak Truth into my hard head.  This person was pleading for me not to be discouraged, or doubtful, or negative, because the Creator and Lover of the universe is bigger than lil ole me.  There is no justifiable reason for me to be sad…

And no, I’m not talking about sad, like a frown…I’m talking a deep, almost overwhelming sadness that I can’t shake.  I dream about sad things that relate to my sadness, I think up scenarios that would bring about more sadness, and I escalate real life to make it as sad as possible—to match it to my sadness. 

How sad.

Honestly though, how desperate I am for Christ?  As a believer and lover of Jesus, what do I have to be sad about?  I have been given breath, and life today…ALL of which are utterly undeserved.  But, Christ wants those things and more for me. He wants to give me hope and joy and peace…which are so far away from the sadness I feel.

 

So anyways.  This person, after patiently listening to my complaints, tears, and the lies that Satan was feeding me, they fed me God Himself—the fact that I don’t have a reason to be constantly miserable, other than the fact that I am distancing myself from God. THAT is sad.  Not life.  Because yes, earthly life is not and will never be satisfying.  I will never be fulfilled by the things, accomplishments, and certainly not the people of this earth.  However, because Christ lives in me and His Spirit is so present in my life, my life is not sad.  I have Christ in a place where He physically is not. I have joy. Not sadness.

And the most convicting thing this person said to me was…“All of these truths I’ve been telling you, you told them to me. Countless times before.”

Yikes.

So I do know the Truth. I know that there is no reason for my sadness, for me to feel sorry for myself.  I am choosing to give into my human nature, instead of running fiercely to the Holy of Holies.

Why in the world do I always do this?

Walking with Christ makes sense. It is hard, but our encouragement is found so easily.  Why make life so much harder than it needs to be? What does that do for the Kingdom? 

Nothing.

So here’s to my gratefulness to God. For rescuing me, the helpless, lost, desperate child that I am. 

Here’s to stop feeling sorry for myself, and to start feeling for God—seeking, desiring, needing—thirsting.